What I almost Missed

In college it seemed all young adults in the Christian community talked about “life verses.” This was a new concept for me. My understanding was that a life verse was a bible verse from God that spoke over a person’s entire life. One that no matter what they could come back to over and over again. The concept intrigued me (even though I clearly did not understand it) so a year before my diagnosis I asked God for a life verse. I picked up my bible and began to flip through until my hand rested on a particular verse…

“Sing, O barren one, who did not bear…” 

Isaiah 54:1a ESV

I have never shut a bible so fast in my life. There was no way that verse was for me. There was no way I was barren. My entire life I had dreamed of having children. No way was he crushing another dream of mine. I grabbed another bible off the shelf and began flipping through...

“Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child…”

Isaiah 54:1a NIV

In that moment I knew that he was speaking to me, but I was not going to listen. I shut the bible and busied my self with other tasks. Over the next year I would randomly flip through my bible and over and over again I came back to Isaiah 54, never reading any further than the first line.

So when I went to the doctor’s office that May I knew what she was going to say, but deep down I was still hanging onto this hope that I was wrong.

A month or two after my doctor's visit I opened to Isaiah 54 once again, but for the first time I saw the promises contained in this chapter:

“…For the [spiritual] children of the desolate one will be more than the children of the married wife…”

“...your offspring will possess the nations and make the desolate cities to be inhabited…”

“...Fear not, for you shall not be ashamed; neither be confounded and depressed…”

“…with age-enduring love and kindness I will have compassion and mercy on you…”

“… I will not be angry with you…”

“ …My love and kindness shall not depart from you, nor shall My covenant of peace and completeness be removed…”

“…all your [spiritual] children shall be disciples [taught by the Lord and obedient to His will], and great shall be the peace and undisturbed composure of your children…”

“…you shall be far from even the thought of oppression or destruction, for you shall not fear, and from terror, for it shall not come near you...”

“…no weapon that is formed against you shall prosper…” 

Excerpts from Isaiah 54 AMP

I had been so angry and upset that my life was not turning out like I had planned. My focus had been on the ashes of my dreams and bitterness was creeping into my heart. If I had continued on this path I would have completely hardened my heart and missed the beauty and hope he was offering.

Don’t get so focused on what you can’t have that you miss what is being offered.

As time passed I began to realize that my emotions, feelings, and reactions to my diagnosis were all warning flags indicating problems in my relationship with God.