“Everyone needs more than anyone can give right now.”
I lie in bed staring at the ceiling. Wondering if I can possibly get away with not showering one. more. day. My joints ache. I notice the stiffness in my fingers and toes. This doesn’t surprise me, but the tears come anyway.
…Even my own body is against me…
I used to wish things would change. Now I wish for time to freeze.
A moment without any new assaults.
To stop.
To breathe.
To sit.
To be safe.
2019 was a tough year for me. A brain injury shattered what was left of me after years of pain.
Broken and alone I limped into 2020.
Lunar New Year approached and I thought: “One more time. Just try. One. more. time.”
I knew it was stupid. I knew there was no space for me. I knew the emptiness that lay ahead.
The stories I could tell. My “statistically unusual life”
And just as I am ready BOOM pandemic.
In April I wrote: “It’s like I got to the front of the line and as I open my mouth to whisper that I need help billions of people are dropped in front of me. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to think.”
Once again pushed into the shadows. Unseen. Alone.
Painful, but not surprising. Truth is I already knew the answer. The universe hadn’t changed its message in 30 years, but over and over I kept trying for a different message.
“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
-Albert Einstein
For some, this world is hope after pain.
For some, this world is healing after trauma.
For others, belonging after neglect.
For others, safety after fear.
And for a few...
Pain after pain.
Trauma after trauma.
Neglect after neglect.
Fear after fear.
“A broken mirror, painted black
There is no light reflected back
Thorns grow up where there was green
All sorrow, shame and broken things
Paradise has barred its doors.”
-Caroline Cobb
The time has come to fade from view.
No more striving. No more wishing.
Adieu.
*Quote found here https://twitter.com/hillarydixler/status/1340744947205459968