How often have I misunderstood?
How often have I closed out another’s pain to avoid my own?
How often?
Recently, I’ve endeavored to be a tad bit more open. It hasn’t exactly gone well. The other day I was with someone and they asked how I was doing. “I’m struggling,” I said. “I wish I had community.”
Sadness crossed their eyes and for a moment my body relaxed. I knew they couldn’t fix my problem, I just wanted to be seen. But then, “the pandemic has made that tough on everyone hasn’t it? Hopefully it will pass soon and we will be back to normal”.
And just like that my walls went up. I pushed the pain and hurt away. They hadn’t seen me.
I spoke to another friend on the phone “I’m sorry you’re going through a difficult season” he said.
My brain screamed “I’m not going through a season... this has been my entire life. The difference is that it's spilling into the open where you can see it instead of being locked away.”
My mouth said “thank you” and I hung up.
Then I wept. Drowning in despair. As my tears fell, my heart broke both for myself and for others. What are other people experiencing that I am missing?
I can be so quick to dismiss pain. Tie it up in a bow. See the bright side that I miss the opportunity…
Tell me more.
I imagine a friend with a young baby whispering “I’m so exhausted from not sleeping.”
“Babies wake up often of course she’s exhausted”, but what if I said, “tell me more.”
“The baby is sleeping through the night but all night I’m worried. What if she stops breathing? What if I don’t wake up when she cries? What if…”
Tell me more.
Another friend mentions that Mother’s Day is hard this year. I, knowing his mother is still alive, say “I hear you my mother and I have a complicated relationship too”, but what if I said, “tell me more.”
“We aren’t sharing with many people, but my partner and I suffered a miscarriage last month after a year of fertility treatments.”
Tell me more.
Or I ask a coworker about a project they are working on and they say “The deadline is tomorrow and I am nowhere near finished.” I think “well if they managed their time better and hadn’t spent so much time on the phone this past week they’d be finished,” but what if I said, “tell me more.”
“My father moved to hospice last week and I’ve had to spend so much time getting his affairs in order.”
Tell me more.
To all I’ve dismissed. To all I’ve made feel unseen.
I’m sorry for dismissing your pain.
I’m sorry for not seeing you.
I’m sorry. My experience is not yours and your experience is not mine.
May I never come so jaded by hurt that I miss another’s.
You may have noticed that I wrote this piece using I, not you or we. That’s because my prayer isn’t for you to say “tell me more” it's that opportunities to share your more will find you. The moments you’ve been hurt, misunderstood, silenced. For I believe it’s when we are seen and experienced that lasting change takes place for both ourselves and for others.
May it be so.