Today

Sorry, this is not part two.  This is a post from this week that I will need to probably come back and read on a daily hourly every second basis for awhile.  I am still planning on going back and finishing the series about the mefloquine mess, just not today.

“Starin' at the walls of our living room

Feelin' so very alone

There is something I'm very sure is true

It's where I live, but it ain't home.

Relationships can come and go

But there is one thing that I know

Though I wish I had a home

I never truly am alone.

I remember, Jesus, one day You said

On the shores of Galilee

'The Son of Man has no place to lay His head'

I feel like You were speaking to me.

Foxes have holes and birds have nests

Other men have families

A place they can call home and find their rest

But what is there for me?

Why be afraid, O ye of little faith?"

You ask me as You calm my storm

I see You dissipate my wind and waves

In You I know I'm safe and warm!

My home is You wherever it might be

And You've prepared a place for me

But until then it still is true

My home is You!”

-Crownbearer

While listening to Pandora this week I heard this song.  This section of lyrics from the song really put into words what I have been feeling, as well as presented truth to counter the lies I believe on a regular basis.  The first time I read “Foxes have holes and birds have nests/ Other men have families/ A place they can call home and find their rest/ But what is there for me?” I broke down in tears.  Much of my early childhood was spent outdoors where I observed animals in their homes.  I think that for years my spirit has been wrestling with this question, even if consciously I was not aware.  A few days later I was online trying to find the song to listen to again.  I typed in “foxes have holes and birds have nests” and then tears welled up in my eyes all over again.  The first result was Matthew 8:

“Jesus replied, “Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.”-Matthew 8:20

Those lyrics that had touched my heart were based on scripture!  (I know I have read Matthew 8 before, but I must not have been paying careful attention to the words because I did not remember them.)  Reading those words I was filled with guilt and relief.  Guilt for thinking that I was alone, guilt for pettiness, and guilt for not being strong enough to keep from crying every day.  But I was also filled with relief… Jesus knew what I was feeling.  He knows the feeling.  Knowing that was just a tremendous relief. 

Ever since returning from Togo it has been difficult for me to put into words what I am or have been feeling or what is going on inside of me.  It has been frustrating to say the least.  Fortunately I have found relief in the words of others.  Lyrics, poems, and the writings of others has been the key to unlocking what is inside me this time around.  It may be a chapter or just a phrase, but somehow when I read something that resonates with me I am able to put words to the mess inside me.

Being here is a struggle for me.  Every millisecond.  I would rather live in a cardboard box in the streets.  In fact, I have to fight every day not doing just that.  And yes I know that living in the streets has its own set of problems.  And yes I have thought about it….more than you know. 

But today is not the day to leave. 

Today is the day with zero job prospects. 

Today is the day the savings dips lower. 

Today is the day with no visible exit plan. 

Today is the 55^th day in a row I will cry myself to sleep. 

Today is the day where my faith is stretched one foot farther. 

Today is the day I have to choose to trust Jesus more than yesterday. 

Today is the day I have to believe he has a plan a plan for good and not for evil.

Today is the day to be still…

“Be still and know that He is God

Be still and know that He is holy

Be still oh restless soul of mine

Bow before the prince of Peace

Let the noise and clamor cease

Be still and know that He is God

Be still and know that He is faithful

Consider all that He has done

Stand in awe and be amazed…

Be still and know He is our Father

Come rest your head upon His breast

Listen to the rhythm of

His unfailing heart of love

Beating for His little ones

Calling each of us to come

Be still

Be still”

-Be Still And Know

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Worst Fears: Part I

Before I left for Togo these were my top three fears:

            Top Fear # 1: Becoming mentally ill. 

            Top Fear # 2: Parasitic Worms

            Top Fear # 3: ___________ & having no physical community. 

I know it may not look like your “typical” fear list, but it’s true.  I am more fearful of worms/ parasites then I am of being murdered, getting shot, etc.  Not normal, I know.  And I never said it was a rational fear list.  (Also, just to be clear this fear list is my personal fear list and does not include what I fear for other people…oh and yes I admitted that a lack of physical community is a huge fear of mine.  I am not a technology girl.)

Soon after arriving in Togo my worst fear became a reality.  As a result of the anti-malarial medication I was taking I rapidly developed a variety of mental illness symptoms.  It took a noticeable turn for the worse one night as I lay beneath the mosquito net trying rather desperately to fall asleep. Just as I started to calm down I was suddenly aware of something moving about my room: demon pigs with fangs were flying around my room.  For several minutes I just lay in shock.  I knew that something was not right, but at the same time it seemed so real.

Another night I awoke suddenly convinced that I had been buried alive.  When I am faced with danger or fear I tend to get extremely quiet, which I know is not always good.  So I just laid there thinking “I am in a box surrounded by dirt.  There is no way out.  What should I do?  I wonder how much oxygen I have left?  Will I notice when it runs out or will I just go to sleep?...”  I have no idea how many minutes or hours or seconds this lasted, but eventually my hand brushed up against the “dirt.”  It was the mosquito net. 

During the day there would be many many…. many times where I would be on the roof of the building starring down at the dirt below (and I later found out I was not the first)… Eventually the squeals of children running through the streets would jolt me back to reality. 

About this time I realized I could not put it off any longer someone had to know.  It was already way out of control.  That night in not a lot of words I shared a few things with a staff member and soon an appointment at the local Togolese hospital was scheduled.

That night was tiring.  I was awake the entire night because I kept thinking my left hand had been cut off.  I would pull my left arm towards my face to feel if all my fingers were still there and once they were all accounted for put it back down.  A few seconds later I would be convinced that it had been chopped off again and the process would start all over again.  It lasted all night.  It reminded me of childhood OCD, but combined with paranoia and hallucinations.

At the hospital in Togo the staff member and I were escorted back to his office.  Once there they started talking a mile a minute in French while I sat there convinced the doctor wanted to rip out my appendix.  My thought process being that the Chinese doctors took my friend's so this Togolese doctor must want mine. Needless to say I walked out of there with my appendix and a prescription to “calm” me down.

Well as it turns out my prescription was a drug that is not supposed to be taken with Mefloquine.  Not knowing this I took one as directed only to find the paranoia and fear rise rapidly.  At this time a staff member was sleeping in my room to make sure everything was alright.  My mind was out of control. Seriously out of control. I was very scared. It was so unreal. There was this small part of my brain that was okay. This tiny tiny part knew it was not okay...it was an anchor of truth that Jesus had laid in my mind. But this small part was locked away I could not do anything. I felt beyond hopeless. All I did was just lay there like a statue.  That small part of my brain knew that I had not totally flown off my rocker...but the rest of mind was out of control.  I knew that the girl next to me was trying to help me. The truth part of my brain knew that, but it was locked and hidden away. The rest of my brain was going “she has a knife she’s going to kill you.”  And bless Julia who stayed in my room that whole night telling me over and over again that she was not going to kill me and that she did not have a knife. 

Needless to say: hello America.  And a week later I found myself on a plane heading back unsure of what the future held.  To be cont.

Postscript:

And I know that this post and the last one were pretty dark and down, but I promise it gets better.  As Elizabeth Elliott once said "…God's story never ends with 'ashes."'  So if you want to see how God came back into the picture stick around a few posts longer.

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40 Days

Document: “…put [information] into some relatively permanent form so that it can be retrieved later.”

Surprise!  I’m back!  Big surprise I know, but seriously I would rather not be writing right now.  Instead I would like to run off … preferably to the mountains and never lay sight on technology again; however, I do not think that is what I am supposed to do.  In September I felt called to document the next season of my life.  At that point in time living in Togo was supposed to be the next season of my life.  So when I returned to the United States I stopped writing publicly. 

After being home for a few weeks I came across a scrap of paper where I had written down this: “document this next season of your life.”  I paused and read it again: “document this next season of your life.”  It did not say document my experiences in Togo, it said document the next season of my life.  By this time my stomach was in knots and my faces mirrored my discomfort.  This “next season” was not pretty.  It was dark and grimy.  But it did not say document the good or the pretty.  It said document the next season.

Another week or two passes and I begin to realize that it is one of those “jump off a super high diving board where you can not go back and you are not sure if you are going to land on water or land because you do not know what is below” moments.  So after much delay I am jumping off.  I am going to document this season.  I am going to try to tell the story in these next set of blog posts.  First, I will begin with a brief summary to set the stage. 

It was undoubtedly the worst experience of my life.  It was a dark dark time.  I felt abandoned by quite a number of people, but more importantly I felt abandoned by God.  Loneliness that had been slowly rising for quite some time skyrocketed to new heights.  At times days and days would go by before I would even see another person.  I shed more tears in those days then I thought possible.  Every day was a desperate fight.  Never in my life had I experienced such intensity of negative emotion.  And yet somehow in the midst of it all God found a way to draw me closer to him.  It is still messy.  It is still dark.  However, there are moments however small where I dare to hope that one day life will change.  And I am still lonely and I still pray all too often that he will physically rescue me from this place, but he hasn’t given up on me yet…at least I don’t think he has…

“Jesus, I've forgotten the words that You have spoken
Promises that burned within my heart have now grown dim…
Forgive me for my unbelief. Renew the fire again”

~Lord Have Mercy

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Logging Off

For the time being this blog will be ending.  A little over a week ago I returned prematurely from my internship overseas.  In that time I have learned quite I bit. 

I’ve learned that this is one of if not the last places on earth I would like to be (which is probably why I was sent here).

I’ve learned that in my current state I am no help to anyone.

I've learned chemistry is serious.  That medicine can be powerful.

I’ve learned I am not resilient.  That I am tired.  That I am still lost.

I’ve learned that I am upset.

I’ve learned that loneliness from being alone isn’t nearly as lonely as loneliness from being with others.

I’ve learned that sometimes mourning may last for the night and still be there with morning’s light.

I’ve learned that I am no Elizabeth Elliot. 

“Do we suppose that we could find a better way than His? .... Instead of seeing His everlasting love, tenderly bending down to our humanness, longing over each one of us with a father's speechless longing; we sometimes think of Him as indifferent, inaccessible, or just plain unfair. The worst pains we experience are not those of the suffering itself but of our stubborn resistance to it, our resolute insistence on our independence. …Here is the opportunity offered. Be patient. Wait on the Lord for whatever He appoints, wait quietly, wait trustingly. He holds every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year in His hands. Thank Him in advance for what the future holds, for He is already there.” 

-Elisabeth Elliott

I’ve learned that whether I want to be or not I am stubborn, resistant, and independent.

I’ve learned that the coping mechanisms of childhood don’t always work in adulthood.

So for the time being I am logging off so that maybe I can learn to submit to the place I’ve been placed…to learn more effective coping mechanisms…to learn something helpful.   

And maybe one day I’ll write again…

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Ready To-go?

15 September 2011

I have an odd personality in that doing something like asking a waiter for an extra spoon stresses me out to the max, but drop me off in an unfamiliar country and I am extremely laid back.  I think it’s because in foreign countries I am not in my comfort zone…I am in Gods.  In foreign situations I know things are outside my control…in comfortable situations I try to control everything.  In foreign place I know I do not fit it…in familiar situations I try to fit in.

This desire to have a home, a place to belong.  I’m a foreign potted plant…placed in one place for a time then moved on to the next.  In some climates I survive, but barely.  In others I thrive…too much…I become like an invasive species.  The only constant is that I am continually moving.

People seem to be under the impression that I love this life…and there is a part of me that loves travelling from place to place and seeing people’s hearts, but I think people forget it’s not some Hollywood movie.  It’s everyday life, just in a different setting.  There’s laughter and tears.  Rest and work.  Peace and conflict. Adventure and monotony.  Just like everyone else’s life. 

You know the saying is the grass is always greener on the other side?  In my case it is more like the life is always better outside the pot.  There are many many many days that I am tempted and fall into the sin of wanting a different life.  And I have to tell myself over and over again that I do not have a lesser gift, just a different one. 

Often I feel like a person on the outside looking in, the puzzle piece that doesn’t quite fit because I’m from another puzzle.  And then I read:

“For here we have no permanent city, but we are looking for the one which is to come.”

Hebrews 13:14 AMP

The one that is to come… I haven’t missed it…It hasn’t come yet…but what do I do in the mean time?

“Through Him, therefore, let us constantly and at all times offer up to God a sacrifice of praise, which is the fruit of lips that thankfully acknowledge and confess and glorify His name.”

Hebrews 13:15

Praise him.  Praise him because he is.  Thank him for the person who took my seat when I got a drink of water.  Confess jealousy of the people who do not have to lug all of their things every time they move.  Praise him I can make this trip alone.  Praise him I am free to focus on him and him alone.

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In Every Fairytale is a Dangerous Forest

“Keep your eyes straight ahead; ignore all sideshow distractions.  Watch your step, and the road will stretch out smooth before you.  Look neither right nor left; leave evil in the dust.” 

Proverbs 4:25-27 MSG

                                                   

Instead of fixing my eyes straight ahead I have been watching sideshows.  The titles of my current sideshows of choice are Insecurity, Lies, and Fear.  On Friday I noticed that they had distracted me so much that I had not thought even once about Togo (major red flag).  Quietly I slipped away to find a place to think. 

The sideshows themselves are nothing new.  I have seen them all before (I even expected them to appear during this season), but this time something was different.  It was not just one sideshow vying for my attention, it was all of them.  It was overwhelming.  For most of my life I have been wandering through this dark forest full of wolves.  The vines of insecurity wrapping around me holding me back, the quicksand of fear causing me to sink deeper and deeper, and the beautiful poisonous flowers of lies beckoning me to leave the path... For years I fought and struggled to find a way out, but my efforts were fruitless.  Nothing I could do would save me.  Then one day in the deepest part of the forest a shepherd appeared and he said “come, follow me.”  Slowly and cautiously I began to follow his lead.  As he worked tirelessly fending off the wolves I walked slowly behind listening to the poisonous flowers as they broke into chorus: “you’re not wanted there” “you will fail” “they’ll be glad to see you leave” … Off the path I would bolt deep into the forest entangling myself in the vines.  Each time I did this the shepherd would find me, look me in the eyes, and say “Lock, what do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off?”   

When I became stronger he started to teach me how to identify which flowers were poisonous.  My bolting became less frequent and then one day I noticed that the edge of the forest was only a valley away…I was almost free.  Soon I discovered how dark the valley is.  The edge of the forest is heavy.  Every resource is devoted to trying to keep people from leaving.  My unruly independent spirit started trying to fight everything in sight.  As you can imagine I was quickly overtaken.  About this time the shepherd stepped in, picked me up, and carried me back to the path. 

I stood there refusing to move telling myself that there was no way I would make it out and he said "Lock, I will go before you and will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.  When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you."

He is good.  This is truth.  I will leave this forest.  I am not an exception…He loves me too.

“If you say go I will go
If you say wait I will wait
If you say step out on the water and they say it can’t be done
I’ll fix my eyes on you and I will come…

Your ways are higher than my ways
And the plans that You have laid are good and true
If You call me to the fire You will not withdraw Your hand
I’ll gaze into the flames and look for You…”

Postscript: This post was supposed to be about what I am actually doing in Togo, but obviously it is very much not that…so excuse the mess and check back soon for an actual Togo post :)

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To-go or not To-go that is the question...

“don’t settle for less than what you know God has planned for you…even if it seems good”

Over Christmas Break this year I read Wild Goose Chase by Mark Batterson.  As I read through the book I was praying constantly.  Then, in one random chapter, I felt like God was calling me to leave school.  Immediately my mind started to respond with things like “What? That is crazy.”  “Why would I do that.”  “Ridiculous,” but the more I read this book and looked at scripture the more I felt this idea tugging at my heart.  I had been questioning returning to school for some time before reading the book, but kept pushing it aside. 

I returned to school for the spring semester and began the process of unenrolling for the fall (all the while watching my performance-based pride crumble over and over).  As the spring semester came to a close I found myself praying, thinking, and worrying slightly about the future.  I knew that I was called to work for the University over the summer, but was not sure what I was supposed to do come August.  God laid it on my heart very clearly to focus on my summer job and not concern myself with what I was going to do come August. 

Around mid-July I finally started becoming nervous about what I was going to do come August.  In my typical “I don’t see anything being done I will just do it myself fashion” I started searching and applying for jobs.  At the end of July I was offered an amazing job with amazing benefits.  I felt peace about accepting the position, but decided to take a couple days to pray before officially accepting.  Was about to call and accept the offer when at the last minute I became very uneasy.  Received some wonderful last minute advice and then proceeded to turn down the offer.

A few days later I began to panic.  I had no job, no place to live, no plan.  I spent nights desperately pleading with God not to forget me (when I should have been studying things like Matthew 6:31-32, Hebrews 13:5, Jeremiah 29:11, etc).  Then I started getting offered jobs left and right.  Good jobs with good benefits.  Jobs that I had never applied for, but had somehow received my information.  That was enough for me to realize my folly.  I asked for forgiveness and began to sort through all the offers.  “God” I prayed “which position should I take?”  He gently responded by asking me if I wanted a job or if I wanted to follow his will.  Talk about a gut check.  

Long story short I turned down all of the positions and still had no idea what he had in store for me for the fall.   I moved back home and soon started loosing hope once again.  I can totally relate to Peter and the boat (Matthew 14:28-31).  I am somewhat good at stepping out of the boat, but not so good at the fixing my eyes ahead…I get very distracted pretty fast (if you don’t believe me come with me to the gym sometime, I’m that girl who gets so distracted while running that I end up falling, flying, and flipping off the treadmill multiple times a day).  I tried to stay focused, but was slowly slipping off track.

Then, one day in August I received an e-mail informing me that my College wanted to help me graduate with an alternative plan. A few days later I was informed that an anonymous donor wanted to help pay for it.  It was strange.  A few months earlier everyone had been saying nothing could be done.  Now they were saying that all I had to do was find an approved study abroad program to take me with such late notice.  Almost all programs were full or not longer accepting applications.  I had thrown out all my study abroad information except for one lone brochure on a program in Togo.  The country had been on my heart ever since I first received the brochure, so I called the program and timidly asked if they would take me, to which they replied “absolutely.”

So, if all goes well then I will be heading to Togo in September and have a diploma in hand this December, but amazingly enough that piece of paper isn’t as important to me anymore which was maybe the point of the whole “goose chase” if you will.  Mark Batterson had it right when he said "God wants you to get where God wants you to go more than you want to get where God wants you to go."

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Keys and Climbing

I have been thinking a lot recently….I know big surprise. This one day from this summer has been playing over and over again in my head. When I got back I wanted to write down the event, but never did because I wanted the writing to be perfect and I knew it wouldn’t. Well today I have decided that I am going to record the story and it won’t be perfect, but that’s okay.

It was a typical beautiful Montana day. We had driven to the mountains just north of town for discipleship and a picnic. I remember sitting there as we ate lunch just soaking it all in. Over the past month I had grown to really love this group. After lunch it was decided that nine of us would head to the falls for a hike.

About midway to the falls we came across the following rock field and cliff.

 

There was a small picnic table facing the rock field and cliff. We sat down our packs and began to talk. A couple of the more adventurous ones in our group started to explore the rock field, which of course led to them climbing the cliff. They yelled down to the rest of us telling us that there was a beautiful view of the waterfalls. Slowly we all started through the rock field and up the cliff. It was a fairly easy climb. There were narrow ledges that you could stand on as you climbed. I was one of the last ones to make the ascent and stopped about midway up on one of the ledges…and that’s where it started.

I realized that fear was slowly consuming me. This fear however was not for me, but rather for the others. There will be situations where if I am the only one in the situation I am completely fine, but if other people are in the situation I fear for their safety and well-being. Realizing that there was something deeper going on I excused myself and headed back down the cliff. As I began to cross the rock field back to the picnic table I heard the sound of keys sliding across rock.

The sound caused my mind to play a long forgotten scene in my head. My family had stopped at a mountain in North Carolina on the way back from vacation. The site was very touristy and there was a long suspension bridge you had to cross to get to the trail that led to the top of the mountain. I have no idea how long we had been standing at the top of the mountain when I heard someone slip on the rocks. I watched as their keys fell out of their pocket and slid down and off the mountain. A second later I stood terrified watching as the hiker slid out of sight...their hands desperately grabbing at the rock. Immediately my parents removed me as other bystanders converged on the scene. We stopped at the visitors center…maybe so my parents could tell them to call for help. I don’t know. We got in the car and the incident was never mentioned again.

“Hey” “Hi” “Hello” T’s voice slowly drew me out of my mind. “Are you okay?” he asked. “Yeah” I replied “I just have to go pray.” Somehow I made it back to the picnic table. “Well, I guess that explain my fear of other people and heights” I thought. Then I realized that my constant worrying about other people wasn’t going to change anything. I had to release control to God. So I prayed one by one for each person on the hike. I prayed for their safety and laid each of them at his feet.

I ended my prayers with “God I trust you. I know their lives are yours and you are in control.” At this moment I opened my eyes and watched as the ground HD stood on gave way and he tumbled in the air off the cliff. There was complete silence as everyone watched him somersault through the air. All that I could think of was “God please.” By grace he landed on his feet. For a second he just stood there staring at the cliff before communicating that he was okay. I was so thankfully that he was okay, all the while thinking “this is not what I thought would happen when I gave you control God.” The guys helped bandage up his arm that had been scratched during the fall and we sat for a while and talked as a group before heading on our way. At that moment I had a choice to make: was I going to try and take control back or was I going to follow through on my word and trust God completely with the lives of my brothers and sisters? I don’t know why or exactly how, but I choose God. Worrying may have given me a perceived feeling of being control, but in reality I never had control….God did.

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