"It is absolutely imperative at the outset that you come to terms with this simple yet life-changing truth: God is for you."
I stopped. Read it again.
"It is absolutely imperative at the outset that you come to terms with this simple yet life-changing truth: God is for you."
Then I closed my computer and stared into the dark. Reading the rest of that book would not do me any good. Why? Because I did not believe God was for me. I do not believe God is for me. I do not know if I have ever believed that.
I have tried to believe that he is for me. I have pretended like I thought that he was for me. Occasionally I even thought he was for me, but 99% of the time I have not believed that he is for me. And is it even important whether or not he loves me? Isn't it more important that he be glorified and I fade...
Do I believe God exists? Absolutely. There is not a doubt in my mind, but I do not believe he loves me.
I am being brutally and painfully honest…with myself and with you.
Those verses about God loving. I have hung them over my room. I have read them multiple times a day. I have said I choose to believe these even if I do not feel they are true. I have confessed believing lies. I have asked God to reveal truth to me. I have begged. I have pleaded. I have shed many a tear. And no I still do not seem to believe. I have prayed. I have asked for prayers. I have recorded lists of things for which to be thankful. I have praised. I have sat still. I have waited. I have listed out sins... and several years later I still do not believe God loves me.
So that's where I am today. Broken. Hurt. Bleeding. Bottom. Leper. Unclean. Unusable. Hanging onto a thread of Jesus' hem begging him to not turn me away. Pleading with him to cleanse me of my sins.
And trying to make it one more day.
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